I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize