I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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