Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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