If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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