I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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