as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
