if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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