I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
