You just made me feel so damn special
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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