Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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