I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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