So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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