Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
