sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
