Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
