Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
