Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize