the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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