Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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