god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
