Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
