Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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