i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
