I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
