party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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