it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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