I can text with my tongue
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
