dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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