Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
