Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize