dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
