even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize