does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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