And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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