Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
