I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize