Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
