Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
