It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
whose parrot is this?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
