Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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