you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
