Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
