So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
