I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
