I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
