Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
