Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Did I show you my penis last night?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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