last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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