My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
