I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize