My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize