The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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