the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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