just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
