I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize