i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
