Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize